End of the Christmas holidays, roll on Phase 2.

The Christmas holidays are over, Phase 1 has been passed and all three QTS skills tests passed first time, though how I managed to pass Numeracy first time is beyond me.  It's amazing how quickly the holidays go past but at least as a teacher I can always say "I'm never further than 7 weeks from a holiday", I think that might be the teachers' mantra or something.  Phase 1 went well, I have to say, I actually miss the little buggers. I got an absolutely lovely thank you card from one of them, that was so sweet and something I hope I'll treasure.  Aside from that, not much more than the daily grind, we're doing some home improvements which are small but I think they'll make the place look really nice.

I go back to uni on Wednesday, I really need to get the final bits and pieces organised and sorted, such as a couple of lesson structures and coversheets that I still haven't drawn up despite teaching the lessons three weeks ago and now I can't remember what it was that I taught them...oops. Also, the QTS standards are coming on nicely, need to do a couple of write-ups, hopefully I'll get that all done tomorrow so I can start the new term on a clean slate, ready for a new school, new classes, another goddamned assignment (to do Masters or not to do Masters?) and more school based tasks.

On top of that, for the New Year:

I managed to cut out all my debts and I want to keep it that way and get £600 in our savings account.
I want to pass the PGCE course and get a job.
I want to lose about 30lbs
I want to stop drinking so much beer and that will hopefully aid the above goal.

Below is the lovely card I received (the other is also from a student :) )

Getting there...

Only 3 weeks until the end of term and therefore the end of my first placement. Unbelievable. Crazy how fast time goes past.

I had a good day on Tuesday, for once I actually felt like I could do this and that maybe it wouldn't suck forever. Not so on Wednesday when I thought I was doing OK and suddenly AP starts taking over. Then, he kept talking to students whilst I was trying to get them to be quiet and listen, so GODDAMN DISTRACTING, if I did that in his lessons he'd have a fit. Then, I forgot what time the lesson ended, I thought it ended 10 minutes later than it actually did and when I realised, I skipped an activity and got them to write their homework down, pack up and wait for the bell. Meanwhile, I was talking to another student, explaining something to her and the bell rang, because I was concentrating on E. I forgot to tell them to go so they were a couple of minutes late out the door and he BOLLOCKED me. Andy rants normally really amuse me, not so amusing when you're the subject of them :( so that made me feel like shit.


I'm so tired of being constantly judged and criticised but I know that I just have to suck it up and deal with it for the most part. It sucks though. On the plus side, yesterday we went to the Isle of Wight to help some yr 11s with a competition. My group came second out of about 15 groups so that was brilliant. I had a really great day and it really lifted my spirits for a while, the kids were lovely and many people commented at how good my rapport was with them.

Oh well,  not long until I leave this placement, hopefully the next one will be better.

Also, I passed my first assignment with a good pass :)

Disillusioned

I am so frustrated, my first placement is doing nothing to help me, or at least that's how it feels. I have no mentoring and my mentor flat out said that he thought it was a waste of time and pointless. I have to actually write about mentoring sessions as that is one of Tanya's requirements, essentially I am just going to have to make it up. It's so frustrating and it's really getting me down, I haven't even considered teaching yet, let alone 10 hours of it, I have no idea how I'm going to get 6 formal observations done in time, I'm terrified that I'm going to have to repeat or something.  Then, as a result of all of this, Mat and I get into an argument, or rather, I misdirect my frustrations and anger and turn into a bitch. Great. He's still sleeping and I imagine he's quite rightly angry at me. Happy goddamn Saturday.


When I spoke to my mentor about my concerns he said that he didn't have time to do that kind of mentoring and that that's just life but he did say that I have only had 2 weeks in the school so of course I haven't started teaching yet.  I hope I'll end up teaching bits next week.  Tanya is coming to observe me on the 7th December, one day after my birthday, joy. I need to have had some decent experience by that point.

On the plus side, it was INSET day yesterday so I covered about 15 QTS standards in one hit.

Blah

This past week has been...interesting.

Mat contracted a stomach bug, which I then caught...I'm emetophobic so that is never, ever fun. Just getting over it now, thank god. I'm so happy we only ever get sick about once every five years.


I also had my second week at school, still doing joint practice and it's half term this week. After half term I'm pretty much in school full time, scary to say the least. The level of literacy at that school really appalls me. I never realised this and was completely in the dark in my little Private School bubble. Some of the kids there have a reading age of around age 7 at age 12-13, and their writing and spelling? Oh dear. I'm getting less irritated with what I perceive to be bad behaviour, but sometimes, oh sometimes I just want to scream at something, or someone. S. gets to me, he just wants attention and it's so.damn.annoying.  For example, many of those kids come from poverty, so the school provides them with books, including GCSE revision books at £12 a piece. S. sold his for £10. Now that I do believe, but he then goes on to show off his phone which has a picture of an enormous amount of marijuana on it and that's what he spent the £10. All the while I'm watching his eyes and his eyes are literally flicking from side to side trying to figure out who is listening and it's just so pathetic. He's 15 for christ's sake. There is no way I believe that that was his. Why? Because he wouldn't have said so whilst there were 3 teachers in the room. So I just rolled my eyes when he looked at me. Mean? Perhaps. Deserved? Definitely.

Talking of S. he has done me one favour. I feel far more comfortable in my abilities to tell off than I did before!


Then there is St. she is just a sweetheart, on Friday after school she asked me how long I was going to be at the school and when I said until December she said "no, I meant today" I said I'd stay as long as she liked and so we sat in the MFL resource base and practised her oral stuff. I really think that she has the ability to make something of herself, and I told her so. I'm positive that with the right effort she can get an A* no problem. Also, before the lesson, I was waiting for Andy to open the door to the classroom (we lowly PGCE students have no keys *sniff*) and St. came up to me and asked if I was going to be in the lesson. When I replied affirmative (OK I didn't actually say that :P) she was really happy. It was so sweet. This is what really irritates me about mixed ability. Because of kids like S. kids like St. and R. don't get the support they need, want and deserve to get on.

In the land of my assignment, well I've finally decided on the topic and started writing it, currently 850 words into 3000, this is going to be one hell of a stressful week on top of 4 lesson plans and resources to get done :/

My first day of school

I had my first day today, the staff are lovely, they were really pleasant to talk to and everyone was really welcoming. The school is really nice too, I like how they focus on apprenticeships for the kids that aren't going to do so well in academia. There are about 25 kids doing GCSE Spanish or French, in one of the classes I observed today there were only 10 there. One of the kids, St., in that class was a sweetheart and was really trying hard. She wants to do Spanish, Biology, Music and Drama for her A levels as she wants to be a singer but wants to do Medicine just to fall back on! She also wants to live in Spain

I also observed a year 7 class, I forgot how tiny they are!! That class was a Journey 7 class, I'd never heard of this, but it's intended to make the transition of primary to secondary school easier. They were supposed to make a poster to advertise a modernised play of Romeo and Juliet (including living on the Verona Estate!). It would have been great but many of the laptops weren't working which meant the class got quite frustrated and loud. They really produced some great work though!




I really need to re-evaluate my views on bad behaviour and what that means to me. I used to think bad behaviour was talking out of turn, not doing your homework etc. and yes to a certain degree that is true. However many of the kids from this school are from impoverished backgrounds, one of the kids was told at Christmas that his foster family doesn't want him anymore. Another today found out his Uncle was going back to prison and he lives with his Aunt and Uncle as both parents are in jail. I'm pretty sure that learning Spanish really isn't the highest of his priorities right now and I need to remember that many of these kids come from these backgrounds and that they have low self esteem, crave attention and are just plain stressed.
Anyway, I thoroughly enjoyed my first day and am very glad to have started!

A view on "coloured" people

This poem was written by a little, black boy and was"Written by an African child and nominated by UN as the Best Poem of 2006."


This is a piece of writing that I hold very dear to myself, despite having none of the cultural issues involved. I have always hated the term "coloured", if I am able to describe myself as white then I certainly feel that describing other races as "black" or whatever should be allowed. I don't understand why there is such an issue in discussing physical and cultural differences. Anyway, I present this poem, a favourite of mine. In fact I could say that this is the only poem I like and view as relevant to life.


When I born, I black.
When I grow up, I black.
When I go in sun, I black.
When I scared, I black.
When I sick, I black.
And when I die, I still black.
And you white people.
When you born, you pink.
When you grow up, you white.
When you go in sun, you red.
When you cold, you blue.
When you scared, you yellow.
When you sick, you green
And when you die, you grey…
And you calling me colored??

Reflective lecture.

Yesterday we had a lecture on reflection and being a reflective teacher. It's actually listed in the QTS standards about the need to be reflective, so, needless to say, reflect is what we did. It was actually quite an odd experience which is why I'm writing about it today rather than yesterday when I was still rather strung out from it. It brought up a lot of old feelings that I really, really didn't want to bring up again. I'm going to share some of the results I had.


First off we had to write, just free-write, what we were feeling starting with "In the last 2 weeks":

In the last two weeks, I have made friends, after my last uni. experience I never thought I could go through this again. It was ****. It got better towards the end but....yeah. I'm enjoying it this time but I'm so scared I'm not going to make it, that I'll fail and let myself and my family down, but mostly myself. I'm so damn tired. I need to go running, paint, scream, whatever. Just to clear my head.

Then we had to choose one group of words from that and continue.

I never thought I could go through this again, I'm so scared I'm not going to make it. What if I crack up again? What if I **** up again? Right now I hate myself for thinking like this, I'm trying to stay positive.  Adapt and overcome. That's the mantra that keeps going through my head.

Keep smiling, one day you'll believe it.

Then we had to use the following sentences:

I am...
I am a teacher of...
Who feels...
Who fears...
Who has...
Who would like... 

And add 3 words/adjectives:


I am loyal, supportive, scared
I am a teacher of Modern Foreign Languages (not overly creative!)

Who feel tired, motivated, proud
Who fears failure, failure, loneliness
Who has been successful in overcoming myself
Who would like to trust, to help, to like myself.

What are the three things that I need to get me through this year?


Self-confidence
A dictionary
To eat well.

So that's me in a nutshell at the moment. I'm over-tired and over-stressed and it's only week 2. Fantastic.