Getting there...

Only 3 weeks until the end of term and therefore the end of my first placement. Unbelievable. Crazy how fast time goes past.

I had a good day on Tuesday, for once I actually felt like I could do this and that maybe it wouldn't suck forever. Not so on Wednesday when I thought I was doing OK and suddenly AP starts taking over. Then, he kept talking to students whilst I was trying to get them to be quiet and listen, so GODDAMN DISTRACTING, if I did that in his lessons he'd have a fit. Then, I forgot what time the lesson ended, I thought it ended 10 minutes later than it actually did and when I realised, I skipped an activity and got them to write their homework down, pack up and wait for the bell. Meanwhile, I was talking to another student, explaining something to her and the bell rang, because I was concentrating on E. I forgot to tell them to go so they were a couple of minutes late out the door and he BOLLOCKED me. Andy rants normally really amuse me, not so amusing when you're the subject of them :( so that made me feel like shit.


I'm so tired of being constantly judged and criticised but I know that I just have to suck it up and deal with it for the most part. It sucks though. On the plus side, yesterday we went to the Isle of Wight to help some yr 11s with a competition. My group came second out of about 15 groups so that was brilliant. I had a really great day and it really lifted my spirits for a while, the kids were lovely and many people commented at how good my rapport was with them.

Oh well,  not long until I leave this placement, hopefully the next one will be better.

Also, I passed my first assignment with a good pass :)

Disillusioned

I am so frustrated, my first placement is doing nothing to help me, or at least that's how it feels. I have no mentoring and my mentor flat out said that he thought it was a waste of time and pointless. I have to actually write about mentoring sessions as that is one of Tanya's requirements, essentially I am just going to have to make it up. It's so frustrating and it's really getting me down, I haven't even considered teaching yet, let alone 10 hours of it, I have no idea how I'm going to get 6 formal observations done in time, I'm terrified that I'm going to have to repeat or something.  Then, as a result of all of this, Mat and I get into an argument, or rather, I misdirect my frustrations and anger and turn into a bitch. Great. He's still sleeping and I imagine he's quite rightly angry at me. Happy goddamn Saturday.


When I spoke to my mentor about my concerns he said that he didn't have time to do that kind of mentoring and that that's just life but he did say that I have only had 2 weeks in the school so of course I haven't started teaching yet.  I hope I'll end up teaching bits next week.  Tanya is coming to observe me on the 7th December, one day after my birthday, joy. I need to have had some decent experience by that point.

On the plus side, it was INSET day yesterday so I covered about 15 QTS standards in one hit.

Blah

This past week has been...interesting.

Mat contracted a stomach bug, which I then caught...I'm emetophobic so that is never, ever fun. Just getting over it now, thank god. I'm so happy we only ever get sick about once every five years.


I also had my second week at school, still doing joint practice and it's half term this week. After half term I'm pretty much in school full time, scary to say the least. The level of literacy at that school really appalls me. I never realised this and was completely in the dark in my little Private School bubble. Some of the kids there have a reading age of around age 7 at age 12-13, and their writing and spelling? Oh dear. I'm getting less irritated with what I perceive to be bad behaviour, but sometimes, oh sometimes I just want to scream at something, or someone. S. gets to me, he just wants attention and it's so.damn.annoying.  For example, many of those kids come from poverty, so the school provides them with books, including GCSE revision books at £12 a piece. S. sold his for £10. Now that I do believe, but he then goes on to show off his phone which has a picture of an enormous amount of marijuana on it and that's what he spent the £10. All the while I'm watching his eyes and his eyes are literally flicking from side to side trying to figure out who is listening and it's just so pathetic. He's 15 for christ's sake. There is no way I believe that that was his. Why? Because he wouldn't have said so whilst there were 3 teachers in the room. So I just rolled my eyes when he looked at me. Mean? Perhaps. Deserved? Definitely.

Talking of S. he has done me one favour. I feel far more comfortable in my abilities to tell off than I did before!


Then there is St. she is just a sweetheart, on Friday after school she asked me how long I was going to be at the school and when I said until December she said "no, I meant today" I said I'd stay as long as she liked and so we sat in the MFL resource base and practised her oral stuff. I really think that she has the ability to make something of herself, and I told her so. I'm positive that with the right effort she can get an A* no problem. Also, before the lesson, I was waiting for Andy to open the door to the classroom (we lowly PGCE students have no keys *sniff*) and St. came up to me and asked if I was going to be in the lesson. When I replied affirmative (OK I didn't actually say that :P) she was really happy. It was so sweet. This is what really irritates me about mixed ability. Because of kids like S. kids like St. and R. don't get the support they need, want and deserve to get on.

In the land of my assignment, well I've finally decided on the topic and started writing it, currently 850 words into 3000, this is going to be one hell of a stressful week on top of 4 lesson plans and resources to get done :/

My first day of school

I had my first day today, the staff are lovely, they were really pleasant to talk to and everyone was really welcoming. The school is really nice too, I like how they focus on apprenticeships for the kids that aren't going to do so well in academia. There are about 25 kids doing GCSE Spanish or French, in one of the classes I observed today there were only 10 there. One of the kids, St., in that class was a sweetheart and was really trying hard. She wants to do Spanish, Biology, Music and Drama for her A levels as she wants to be a singer but wants to do Medicine just to fall back on! She also wants to live in Spain

I also observed a year 7 class, I forgot how tiny they are!! That class was a Journey 7 class, I'd never heard of this, but it's intended to make the transition of primary to secondary school easier. They were supposed to make a poster to advertise a modernised play of Romeo and Juliet (including living on the Verona Estate!). It would have been great but many of the laptops weren't working which meant the class got quite frustrated and loud. They really produced some great work though!




I really need to re-evaluate my views on bad behaviour and what that means to me. I used to think bad behaviour was talking out of turn, not doing your homework etc. and yes to a certain degree that is true. However many of the kids from this school are from impoverished backgrounds, one of the kids was told at Christmas that his foster family doesn't want him anymore. Another today found out his Uncle was going back to prison and he lives with his Aunt and Uncle as both parents are in jail. I'm pretty sure that learning Spanish really isn't the highest of his priorities right now and I need to remember that many of these kids come from these backgrounds and that they have low self esteem, crave attention and are just plain stressed.
Anyway, I thoroughly enjoyed my first day and am very glad to have started!

A view on "coloured" people

This poem was written by a little, black boy and was"Written by an African child and nominated by UN as the Best Poem of 2006."


This is a piece of writing that I hold very dear to myself, despite having none of the cultural issues involved. I have always hated the term "coloured", if I am able to describe myself as white then I certainly feel that describing other races as "black" or whatever should be allowed. I don't understand why there is such an issue in discussing physical and cultural differences. Anyway, I present this poem, a favourite of mine. In fact I could say that this is the only poem I like and view as relevant to life.


When I born, I black.
When I grow up, I black.
When I go in sun, I black.
When I scared, I black.
When I sick, I black.
And when I die, I still black.
And you white people.
When you born, you pink.
When you grow up, you white.
When you go in sun, you red.
When you cold, you blue.
When you scared, you yellow.
When you sick, you green
And when you die, you grey…
And you calling me colored??

Reflective lecture.

Yesterday we had a lecture on reflection and being a reflective teacher. It's actually listed in the QTS standards about the need to be reflective, so, needless to say, reflect is what we did. It was actually quite an odd experience which is why I'm writing about it today rather than yesterday when I was still rather strung out from it. It brought up a lot of old feelings that I really, really didn't want to bring up again. I'm going to share some of the results I had.


First off we had to write, just free-write, what we were feeling starting with "In the last 2 weeks":

In the last two weeks, I have made friends, after my last uni. experience I never thought I could go through this again. It was ****. It got better towards the end but....yeah. I'm enjoying it this time but I'm so scared I'm not going to make it, that I'll fail and let myself and my family down, but mostly myself. I'm so damn tired. I need to go running, paint, scream, whatever. Just to clear my head.

Then we had to choose one group of words from that and continue.

I never thought I could go through this again, I'm so scared I'm not going to make it. What if I crack up again? What if I **** up again? Right now I hate myself for thinking like this, I'm trying to stay positive.  Adapt and overcome. That's the mantra that keeps going through my head.

Keep smiling, one day you'll believe it.

Then we had to use the following sentences:

I am...
I am a teacher of...
Who feels...
Who fears...
Who has...
Who would like... 

And add 3 words/adjectives:


I am loyal, supportive, scared
I am a teacher of Modern Foreign Languages (not overly creative!)

Who feel tired, motivated, proud
Who fears failure, failure, loneliness
Who has been successful in overcoming myself
Who would like to trust, to help, to like myself.

What are the three things that I need to get me through this year?


Self-confidence
A dictionary
To eat well.

So that's me in a nutshell at the moment. I'm over-tired and over-stressed and it's only week 2. Fantastic.

First week down :)

My first week at Portsmouth Uni has gone well, I've made some friends and learned a lot already. We're all exhausted and our heads are spinning with all this new information we're trying to take in and retain.  This course has been pretty intensive already, I was looking at the statistics, 16.5% of MFL PGCE students drop out, that's a pretty large statistic considering there are only 26 of us on the MFL PGCE course. We haven't been told where our placement schools are yet but hopefully we'll know by the end of the week, then we can start ascertaining whether or not Mat and I are going to have to get a second car. I really hope not given that I'm unemployed whilst doing this course and financially this will be impossible. We'll see.


We also have details of our first assignment, lo and behold the library was essentially empty of books 2 hours later, it's due October 29th, I don't think I've actually bothered thinking about an assignment this early, let alone plan for it. Organisation is going to be key.

All in all, I'm really enjoying the course thus far and am looking forward to getting out of the theoretical side and into the practical soon.

Officially a Post-Graduate Student at university!

I enrolled today! I am now officially registered to do the PGCE Spanish and French at the University of Portsmouth! That means that provided I manage to get through this course, in 9 months I will be a teacher! Hopefully with a job at the end of it! I start Monday at 09:15, I'm so excited!

Enrolling tomorrow!

HA, tomorrow I head over to Portsmouth to enroll at uni to do my PGCE in Spanish and French! Omg, so exciting, I am so glad to have almost finished working at Sainsbury's, I felt like I was dying there. I just hope that a) my student loan comes through REALLY soon otherwise I'm screwed and b) that I am eligible for the full bursary. I'm not sure financially what I'll do otherwise. Argh. I also really hope that they will give me a parking permit otherwise it's going to cost a fortune getting there and that they'll give me a school placement near Southampton so I don't have to leave so early. In a perfect world I'd get all those things. When do things ever work out perfectly though right? That said, if you want anything enough you can do anything for a year. Adapt and Overcome. Adapt and Overcome. I should seriously get that tattooed on my wrist or something.

I start Monday! Last day at work on Saturday wooooooo!

I heart TK Maxxx

Being broke has many disadvantages but certainly one or two advantages, one being, buying stuff is so much more satisfying and pleasurable.


TK Maxxx is one of those places that I really need to be in the mood for, otherwise I see it for what it is,  an oestrogen fueled free for all.  However, every once in a while you come out with some great items. I've been wanting a pair of converse trainers for a while now, and guess what I found yesterday? A perfect pair of Converse trainers, in my size, WITH SKULLS ON! They are beyond awesome. Plus, there's the added satisfying bonus that everything there tends to be half price or less, I bought these for £19.99 with RRP being something like £39-£69! Furthermore I came out with a really sweet dress from Studio M, down to £18.00.

Good things come to those who tolerate TK Maxxx.

Abdelkader Rhorbal

Another artist that I love, and one that I am actually fortunate enough to say that I own a piece of his art is self-taught Abdelkader Rhorbal, also know as "the Moroccan Dali", I saw his work when I was in Morocco with my mother, Mat and a couple of friends celebrating her birthday. His work was being exhibited in the hotel we were staying at and I knew I had to have one. So after persuading him to unpack them all and after an agonising decision, I chose one and it now hangs proudly in my living room.

Check out more of his work http://www.art-maroc.co.ma/Peintres/G/Ghorbal/

Jacek Yerka

I've always loved Dali and Surrealism and have been on a quest to collect original artworks of varying types since I can remember. I've found a new piece of meat. Jacek Yerka is a 50-something year old Polish painter who takes his inspiration from Bosch, van Eyck, can der Goes, Bruegel and Cagliostro. He has some awesome paintings and let me tell you, I wouldn't say no to owning one or two. http://www.yerkaland.com/

Leaving Sainsbury's!

So last Wednesday, 5 days ago in fact, I had an interview with the University of Portsmouth for the chance to study to become a teacher, a Spanish and French teacher to be more precise. I am so damn excited, I can leave Sainsbury's and actually get started on my career! Hopefully this means that I will actually be independent before I'm 30 *eyeroll*. No this is brilliant, I am so excited that my life is getting to be on track, FINALLY something is going right. So my last day is September 9th and I should be starting uni sometime around the 20th, provided I have my grade confirmation from my school otherwise I'm screwed.

I'm seriously worried about money though, if my student loan doesn't come through in time I have no idea what we'll do now I'm not going to be working. And I had so hoped to have two accounts paid off my New Year too :(

Baby Stuff

OK, so there is no way I'm having a child for a good, long time but I am constantly looking and cute baby stuff. It really doesn't help that a girl I work with has just had a baby and 2 girls I went to school with had babies and 2 really, really close friends have had (or in one case is in the process of growing one) babies through IVF.

Anyway, I am loving Rock The Cradle Baby Clothes they have some of the funkiest, coolest stuff that my future, hypothetical child will be dressed head to toe in this stuff.

Check out this cute Tuxedo onesie, which I would totally use for a girl or boy.

Etsy Finds

OK, I absolutely love hair stuff, mostly because I'm really lazy with my hair as it is thick, curly and has a mind of it's own so most of the time it stays up and has very little attention, BUT with hair adornments you can still make it look like you really did make the effort. Here are a few of my favourites from GardensofWhimsy on Etsy:

Rain

I used to love the rain and now I remember why.

I was sitting outside, it's 10:30pm and raining. Not heavily, not thunder, just the gentle pitter patter of light rain on the roof. Sitting outside reading, inhaling the gentle and comforting smell of lavender. Now that's something that takes me back to a calm time, a happy time. The thing about the rain is that it is such a powerful thing, heavy rain can destroy cities, destroy lives but yet it can put out a blazing fires. Rain gives life just as easily as it takes it away. It feeds plants, provides water and yet in an instant can take it all away.

I don't understand why rain is so disliked, to me it's almost hypnotic, the gentle pitter patter of rain drops like a lullaby whilst leaving drops of crystal on everything it touches; but yet the torrential downpour whilst you are inside, cozy and happy can make it feel like you are in a fortress.

I love rain.

sparkles

and it brings out these little cuties :)